| My body is a temple. |
[23 Feb 2008|12:31pm] |
"If we did not hate the world, we could not allow it to be destroyed before our eyes. If we did not hate ourselves, we could not allow our homes- and our bodies- to be poisoned."
- Derrick Jensen "End Game Vol. 1"
The last time I had gone to get anything other than a check up done at the dentist was when I was 8. Yesterday I had a tooth extracted, a cavity filled and a temporary crown put on. I still have six cavities to go, and one of them also requires a crown. Within the next year I’ll need to come up with the money to have a bridge put in where my back molar used to be.
I cried a little for the loss of that tooth in the dentist chair. I should have taken care of it years ago when the pain first began. My upbringing never instilled in me a love for my body or esteem for healthy habits such as flossing and brushing. When I was younger, I loved sweets- especially candy and somewhere between becoming vegan and my addiction to corn syrup I convinced myself candy was alright to eat regularly even though I never took care of my teeth. I blame my ignorance for continuing an easily broken cycle.
All together, having my teeth fixed is going to cost me around 2 thousand dollars not including my bridge which could be anywhere from 1 -2 thousand alone. Prevention is stressed by most "doctors" Prevention is a loaded word that implies action and full understand of what caused the disease. Yet in society there is no support for those who wish to gain control of their lives. Unless you are a consumer/have lots of money to blow on psuedo methods for healing, your options put you at the bottom of societies food chain- “bottom dwellers” “the fringe” “abnormal” “hippies.” I am not upset about the fact that I am poor, or my lack of options in mainstream society to live the way I see fit but I am upset that in the end we pay the price either way.
This experience, the death of my tooth, has been very spiritual for me. It’s been an awakening. We must break the cycle and create habits that promote long life! Over the last three years, my life has made a full circle, and a new cycle is beginning inside. Now is the time in my life where I need to begin building the hacienda! I feel deeply rooted right now in a community that spans the globe, and I see this as a great beginning to my 20th year of life. Without death or failure, our life’s victories would hold no joy!
Take good care of your bones!!! They are the only part of you that will last forever!
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| home remedies |
[18 Dec 2007|11:25am] |
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music |
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whiTe raiNbow |
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Riding trains in the early spring… bike tour in Hawaii during the summer… Leave the country for a few weeks… I’m going to try to record music by myself and print a book I’ve been working on before I move out sometime in August.
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| spring is a cold bucket of water |
[16 Dec 2007|12:22pm] |
As good as I could possibly imagine my life getting,
It did after I met you.
The way you reached inside my chest
And pulled out things and sent them off,
The way your breaths blew.
And as good as it got with all the layers peeling off,
And though I'll rise I did not upset you.
And with your hand down my throat,
You held onto my heart and pumped blood through,
And then:
"It's time to go"
You said
"It's time to go out, you little grey goose.
Get out from under my wing"
You said,
"You swan, go on, get out, you're turned loose"
"Oh! So it's over?
Oh, so we die?
Oh, so your hand on my heart pumping blood went limp?"
So I have flight,
Oh, swan inside
mt. charleston, on a cloudy day
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| today I will be brAVE |
[05 Nov 2007|11:55am] |
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Sometimes it’s daunting spending time with my father, or any relative for that matter. But as I live with my father, he is really the only relative I talk with on a day to day basis. A lot of the time we barely get to visit with on another, but when he’s off from work, we’ll have good conversation. What interest me most is the unfolding of my life through the findings of his. When he explains to me the in between spaces, conversations and thoughts he’s had through the events of his life. From the tiny detail of my mother running away from home and getting arrested with him, to his feelings of regret and his quest for adventure in the past. It’s sad sometimes because I see the despair in his eyes as he thinks back on his life, you hear the regret in his voice. He’s such a simple person, a true proble, yet such an expressive person. There’s this part of me that wants to save him, or in the least make him proud that my life will be different from his- and there’s this part of me that will never live up to that promise, who in fact wants to abandon this person for dead. Yet, he takes care of me, shares meals with me, gives me advice on growing old and figuring out your passions- he tells me I’m beautiful and makes sure to give me space to think and have fun. Otherwise, we have nothing in common as far as politics or values in life go. I accept that for now, this is my situation and play it out to the fullest, but where I will be tommorrow is constantly evolving and changing... Can I prepare a room for them in my heart not knowing how my future will be? I’m glad that I can say I don’t need him per say, that I’m not reliant on any one person or thing- yet, it’s hard for me to say what I want sometimes. Maybe I want a dad, but I don’t want to be abandoned like I have been in the past, nor do I want the attachments that come along with this sort of relationship. These boundaries I put up to protect myself will always leave me sort of sad- why can't I share this bond most people have with family? Is this just a way to keep me wild? Is love another word for obligation? Can love ever be unconditional? The only way to ensure my families revival is to be with them through the next few years and guide them to where they want to be, somewhere enrapturing… it’s a dangerous path considering I could very well lose myself along the way… Can time alone heal deep wounds and cure socioeconomic disillustionment? I don't think so...
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| labas liūdesys... anike is teaching me lithuanian. |
[18 Sep 2007|02:12pm] |
I am a wonderer and a mountain climber, I said to my heart. What returns, what finally comes home to me is my own self. Alas I have begun my loneliest walk, but whoever is of my kind can not escape such an hour, the hour which says to him only now are you going your way to greatness. Peek and abyss, they are now joined together, for all things are baptized in a world of eternity and lie beyond good and evil.
My principal article of faith is that one can only flourish with people of the identical ideas and the identical will. I have no one. That is my sickness.
"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object. It is the world I want to change, not my place in it." -Simone de Beauvoir
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| We will not be bored! Take your desires for reality! An endless passion, an endless banquet! |
[01 Sep 2007|11:24pm] |
There is and old woman who lives in a hidden place that everyone knows but few have ever seen. As in fairy tales of Eastern Europe, she seems to wait for lost or wandering people and seekers to come to her place.
She is circumspect, often hairy, always overweight, and especially wishes to evade most company. She is both a crower and a cackler, generally having more animal sounds than human ones.
They say she lives among the rotten granite slopes in Tarahumara Indian territory. They say she is buried outside Phoenix near a well. She is said to have been seen traveling south to Monte Alban in a burnt-out car with the back window shot out. She is said to stand by the highway near El Paso, or ride shotgun with truckers to Morelia, Mexico, or that she has been sighted walking to market above Oaxaca with strangely formed boughs of firewood on her back. She is called by many names: La Huesera (Bone Woman), La Trapera (The Gatherer), and La Loba (Wolf Woman).
The sole work of La Loba is the collecting of bones. She is known to collect and preserve especially that which is in danger of being lost to the world. Her cave is filled with the bones of all manner of desert creatures: deer, rattlesnake, crows. But her speciality is said to be wolves.
She creeps and crawls and sifts through the montanas (mountains) and arroyos (dry riverbeds), looking for wolf bones, and when she has assembled an entire skeleton, when the last bone is in place and the beautiful white sculpture of the creature is laid out before her, she sits by the fire and thinks about what song she will sing.
And when she is sure, she stands over the criatura, raises her arms over it, and sings out. That is when the rib bones and leg bones of the wolf begin to flesh out and the creature becomes furred. La Loba sings some more, and more of the creature comes into being; its tail curls upward, shaggy and strong.
And still La Loba sings so deeply that the floor of the desert shakes, and as she sings, the wolf opens its eyes, leaps up, and runs away down the canyon.
Somewhere in its running, whether by the speed of its running, or by splashing its way into a river, or by way of a ray of sunlight or moonlight hitting it right in the side, the wolf is suddenly transformed into a laughing woman who runs free toward the horizon.
Then La Loba goes back to her cave where she has a pot of stew cooking and eats her dinner quietly. Then she goes to bed because it is exhausting work making something live.
So it is said that if you wander the desert, and it is near sundown, and you are perhaps a little bit lost, and certainly tired, that you are lucky, for La Loba may take a liking to you and show you something -- something of the soul.
crude_ 4
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| Nothing? Noone? |
[31 Aug 2007|11:17pm] |
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music |
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the measure-- union pool, O pioneers-- all my favorite songs Avail-- simple song |
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"I want to confess as best I can, but my heart is void. The void is a mirror. I see my face and feel loathing and horror. My indifference to men has shut me out. I live now in a world of ghosts, a prisoner in my dreams. I want to talk to you as openly as I can, but my heart is empty."
- Det Sjunde inseglet (The Seventh Seal)
directed by Ingmar Bergman
Here's a link to the script
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